How many years, even decades of my Life, did I practice unconsciously (I’m looking at you, Hypervigilance and Earning Love!) the skills of Empathy towards others and not include myself?
Suffice it to say, many.
I’ve come a long way in understanding a bit about Empathy. And the growing awareness I have is that it needs to be robustly directed toward myself. From thinking I was a horrifying monster when I was young and treating myself critically, to currently being loving and present with myself however I feel. (Most of the time. There are still funky days!) It’s been a painfully powerful journey. A journey that I advocate for everyone with full knowledge that I’m recommending is a challenging process.
Drawbacks of Self Empathy Work:
Why would anyone willingly want to do this?
It stimulates feelings that can be incredibly hard to experience.
It's not glamourous in any way.
There's little support by a culture invested in all of us feeling negative about ourselves in constant states of comparison, competition, false dichotomies of not enough, and too much.
The journey never ends.
Not so sexy.
Yet, much of our liberation and ability to access energy and resources to devote to building a more just and loving world starts with the Empathy needed for our unique experiences of being human. We need Empathy because of the whole:
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,”
“Love thy neighbor as thyself,”
All the Golden rule tango is actually true.
We start with ourselves because we are what we got.
The most important person in our lives is ourselves. If we don’t include a hefty portion of Empathy to our intimate V.I.P., we will negatively impact the quality of what we have to offer the world in funky ways.
Honestly, lack of self Empathy is not a good look.
What is a good look, a fabulous look, a fucking fantastic look? Showering ourselves with Empathy. Giving to ourselves the way we offer Empathy to others. That’s sexy! That's nourishing, and that is being a beloved comrade to ourselves when Life gets rough.
Now hold up, all you beings who want to start throwing the fears of potential narcissism or self-indulgence around!
We are ALL narcissistic to a degree, and this is NOT a problem. Like most aspects of Life, it's about the degree. We need healthy egos to put ego-centeredness aside.
Don't conflate the fears of self Empathy with ridiculous notions of spare the rod spoil the child puritanical BULLSHIT! Being radically present with our feelings is not self-indulgent.
I’m tired of the emotional minimizing and bucking up approach to Life, where it’s a sporting event to prove we don't deserve self-Empathy!
“Well, I don’t have it so bad.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“Don’t be so sensitive.”
“I’m overreacting.”
“I don’t do emotions.”
I call Bullshit yet again!
Remember, the tool of “bucking up” (meaning differing our needs/emotions/care) is indeed sometimes needed and handy. Just like our ability to employ any other survival response is at times necessary. If the sabertooth tiger pig is barreling down on you, there is no time to have self Empathy! BUT…how often does a bonafide sabertooth tiger pig come chomping for your ass?!
And yes, our brains often can’t tell the difference between a:
R.eal
E.vidence
A.ppearing
R.eal situation.
and a:
F.alse
E.vidence
A.ppearing
R.eal situation!
(Oy, our hardware needs an update!)
I invite us to suck it up ONLY when we really, really, and I mean REALLY need to!
Instead, we need to offer ourselves Empathy, the feeling and abiding with that we give to other humans and creatures we love. We need to be self-Empathetic regularly to counter the toxicity that can permeate our relationship with ourselves.
It will take the rest of this Lifetime to counteract the amount of callousness I’ve basted myself in for the first 20ty plus years of my Life. The hate was big. This means Love, kindness, and Empathy need to be proportionately massive! The more I can enact self Empathy, the better quality of Empathy I can give to the world.
Practice:
View ourselves as beloved beings, especially when we don’t feel so great.
This self-Empathy will require patience, persistence, and a G.I.F.T.
G.enerously
I.nsightful
F.eeling
T.ruth
A G.I.F.T. is an act of remembering. It is evidence that we are worthy of Empathy. Being present and loving when we're distressed is a counter-narrative that speaks the truth of connection. We don't abandon ourselves. We climb down into the hole and abide with what we are feeling.
3. How would we show Empathy to someone we love who is struggling? Offer this G.I.F.T. to ourselves.
4. Do this verbally, physically, artistically, sensorially, in any way that resonates at the moment. Give the G.I.F.T. to ourselves that we most need to feel supported Empathetically.
Piggybacking on last week's theme:
Be Generous with engaging in self-Empathy. We are the most important beings in our lives. Nourishing this bond and commitment with Empathy helps increase our capacity to share our Empathy with the world, and wow, does our world need this medicine.
We do this thing together.
We do this thing together.